Freedom to Be A Scapegoat

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had a fear of being a scapegoat. Perhaps it started in 4th grade when I was cancelled by all of my friends, before cancelling was a term.

Or maybe the Holocaust because I get this life or death feeling frequently about being an outcast or turned on by groups of people.
For astrology people, I have Chiron in the 11th house.
I’ve been turned on by groups of friends and outcasted many times.
So I’m sure I have a part to play or maybe it’s karma or some kind of weird lesson to learn… one lesson I come back to is that no matter how many people scapegoat me, I am still here.

I used to fear I was inherently crazy. Or maybe one of those people that no one likes.

When I was in a psych hospital at the age of 20, I was having a spiritual emergence type experience which got called psychosis. I remember saying to a psychiatrist there that even if everyone in the world thought someone was crazy, if they were living true to themself and on their spiritual path, connected to their purpose, they could still live a meaningful life of service.

Obviously this should not be read as an excuse to harm other people.

But it’s something I come back to when my fears of being ostracized get loud. That being true to myself I could be ostracized and I have to accept that for the time being.

Every time a group of people has rejected me, I’ve come upon a more aligned group, friends who are more fitting as I evolve.

Perhaps the fear of being scapegoated gives psychiatry so much power.

It is not always fun in my mind.and last night when it was particularly unfun I came back to gratitude that at least my mind is free. At least I got off of the drugs that made me unable to be true to myself.

And my heart breaks that so many want that freedom and can’t have it due to the difficulty of withdrawal.

Of course this post is not speaking to people who choose psychiatric meds. But for those who are on them against their wishes, I pray so hard for your freedom.

Even if it is the freedom to be a scapegoat.

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