He, too,
ought to apologize to me
for the trauma I went through
hearing him scream at and hit J most days
insulting him, kicking him
terrorizing him, to teach him “respect”.
Gosh I was terrified
and so so sad with empathy for my little brother
and it broke my little heart.
Every day I shut my door
got on a phone call
unless it was too loud
I often had to cut phone calls off
because he was so loud
and in cutting them off
to wait until he got his rage out on J
I protected him
from being heard by the outside world
of my friends
on the other end
of the portable land line.
I wonder how things would have been different
if I’d had a smart phone.
Would I have recorded the abuse
and yelling
and played it back later for a witness?
Would I still have those recordings today?
Would I feel less silenced all the time?
Can any amount of generosity from him make up for the lack of witnessing
of my terror?
An apology would make a difference
if it indicated I was seen
if it indicated he had seen his ways,
understood where they had come from
and made the decision to change out of empathy
and connection to those he’s abused.
Will I share this publicly
or will I continue to protect him
and stay quiet forever
like the pre-teenaged girl in her bedroom
being quiet,
being nice,
shutting up (like she told her to)
and keeping the lack of peace
all bottled up in her chest?
And maybe that’s why
the first Prozac pill she ever took
made her feel like she’d ingested paint
like she drank the paint water
like she was a plastic or painted person
because her feelings were being painted over
and plasticized.
If only she could keep her painted face of okayness on,
everything would be “okay”
but what was okay? Baseline.
Not being abused.
Keeping a solid presence for the family.
Someone had to do it.
Someone had to be okay.
Yet being that someone
who was the okay one,
the good one,
the quietly stressed out one
who held things in
destroyed the next 25 years of my life.
I’ve been so scared.
I’ve kept that fear as an emblem.
It’s slowly eaten away at my life,
driven friends and supporters away
it can only continue to ruin me
if I stay quiet
if I don’t post this
to protect him
which I knew I had to do
after all, who else would?
Who else would stay silent after hearing an adult man scream at and smack an 8 year old boy
over and over?
Who else would get good grades and come home with report cards their parents could claim pride over? Who else could bottle up that much fear and sadness without crying? We were protecting him. All of us.